I drove today. And I rode a motor cycle. They are to blame for my madness. And I downed two large pegs of Mount Gay, a rum that dropped in home from Barbados. So stop looking at me like I am bonkers.

Let’s try a play, an inner voice said to me. Just before the curtains of my eyes decided to come down on the performance and listen to the sleep induced applause that my wife calls snoring.

What should the set be like?

Yes. That is the first question I should answer. The story can come later. This is modern theatre after all. Not the fuddy-duddy story in three acts squashed into a shaky plywood set. With unstable steps and doors that never shut properly. Let’s have just one object on stage. A little off centre. Let’s have a traffic light. On a pole.

How many actors? Well, let us start with two. One can be the 22 year old chap who forgot to cut his hair. The other can be the 66 year old fellow whose hair forgot him quite a while ago.

And what about props for these two actors?

Well, let’s give them two different things to hold on to. Let the youngster have a motor cycle handlebar. And the old man, he can have a steering wheel.

Oh stop complaining Mister…sure you can have a power steering. Now can we get on with the play?

So the two of them are standing next to each other in front of the traffic lights. The lights turn to green. And they are off. The biker speeds off in a noisy hurry. The car follows at a more sedate pace.

When they come to the traffic island that the lights are built on, the biker swerves deep and does a graceful U Turn…his body swinging from a low right to a low left gracefully. The car fellow slows down and takes a gentlemanly turn without burning rubber.

They take another U Turn at the end of the stage…all the while making vehicle sounds with their mouths…mimicking a bike or a car respectively. By the time they have completed the second lap, they come face to face with the other side of the traffic lights. They are now facing the audience. And they are next to each other.

The biker looks at the car man in surprise. How did you get here so soon? he asks. The car man snorts and says “Safely”.

The light turns amber. The biker slides his visor down and revs up his bike. The car man is stoic. When the lights turn green the bike revs up one last time and races forward.

And comes to a screeching halt. The rider looks back and sees the car man trying to put out an imaginary fire.

He goes back to the car and asks…Can I help? The car man just turns away.

Why are you getting so upset? asks the biker. The car man doesn’t respond. The biker gets irritated and starts banging on the glass windows. The car man turns eventually and says…can we have a bit of peace and quiet please. I have a funeral to attend.

Oh yeah. Whose? asks the biker.

Yours’ my friend, yours’…didn’t you notice that I am a Hearse.

Mine? What do you mean mine?

Yeah, don’t you remember…you lost control on the turn yesterday and crashed into the wall.

Lost control!!! me??? I don’t lose control…I am an ace.

You were…you definitely were.

How come you are sounding all calm and collected? Didn’t my death affect you?

Yes it did. But I have a power steering. And power brakes. You had neither.

But I had so many plans for my life. How can I go back?

You can. But you have to write a driving test again.