If writing takes many interesting turns year after year, humor too follows suit. And yesterday’s ‘most desirable’ could very well be next year’s ‘dud’.

I am referring to contests of this kind for both men and women that have been conducted for decades by media hungry for content to fill its space or time. After all, an overdose of eye candy never hurt anybody, right?

So in the days of publishing prudery when revealing deep chest cleavages (male or female) was taboo, they focused on the eyes. Smoky grey eyes, limpid brown ones and so on…with readers voting for the sexiest eyes..

And when radio came into its own, the voice took center stage…what a deep voice…what great timber…I can almost hear the whiskey and the cigarette in his rumble…and since the person couldn’t be seen, imaginations ran wild.

Well the advent of TV surely spoilt the ride for a lot of people and the day of the television charmers came to be. To my memory Bill Clinton was the first and possibly the last president of America who got elected on sheer sex appeal. That he got sacked for the same reason is ironic, but even today he is known better for his camera friendly looks than for any significant act of statesmanship. But yes, he proved that power was a significant aphrodisiac.

In India of course our film industry latched on to the bandwagon with glee. The heroes and heroines have always been poster material and they have spawned generations of pin-up pillows…where imaginations ran amuck with uncensored glee as the Bhayya from Deep Rural India fantasized that he was romancing every one from Madhubala to Madhuri Kapoor in Kashmir, Switzerland or Singapore.

In fact it went to such an extent that heroes or heroines who wed in real life lost out at the box office because their dream quotient or fantasy element was reduced drastically. This also meant that heroes had to strive to keep looking young and act roles that had no connection to their real lives…the concept of a 50+ year old hero still insisting on doing college boy roles has become too stale a joke even to try and laugh. Wigs became par for the course. Even the distinguished Bachchan is supposed to be sporting a toupee.

While superstar Rajnikanth has no hesitation in appearing in public sans wig, his movie appearances are always hairy and moustached.

And the clothes…Oh My God…cinema costumers in India have lost their bananas, their marbles and everything else in between and are an agfa, ektachrome or fujichrome delight as they push the limits of film to a color horizon beyond any spectrum you may see in real life. Pink trousers…are you listening?

When I was too young to appreciate the joke, I heard about a girl who was quite ugly to look at…until she opened her mouth…but I could understand when girls referred to many good lookers as handsome, till they opened their mouths.

Then came the six pack era. Until then muscles and freak shapes were restricted to the dumb body builders of yore. If Steeve Reeves was a Mister Universe who went on to do roles like Hercules and so on, that was okay. But the average hero was well shaped, not necessarily muscular but just well built.

Till someone discovered the art of showing off carved muscles. Suddenly heroics were injected with steroids and ungainly shapes became fashionable. And the world was full of Arnold and Sylvester clones who had more expressive biceps than faces.

In India ‘ready to retire’ stars like Shahrukh decided to mould their bodies in an attempt to cover up both their age and their ability to act beyond a stammer with muscles that inspired Hollywood movies like 300 where the whole cast had to be photoshopped for musculature. Salman Khan and Sunjay Dutt too shaped up to strip off.

But does that really make them sexy…or even successful? I am not too sure. Take the case of a telugu actor who has gone through body building school simply because he couldn’t gain admission into any acting school (this is unsubstantiated news, but if he actually went to an acting school, they must have shut down by now). He is the scion of a powerful filmy clan, son of the industry gentleman, but methinks he was ignored when the acting genes were being distributed.

So he did the next big thing. Since he was educationally impaired and couldn’t even begin to spell the word ‘dumb’ he joined sculpture class and chiseled himself into an awesome shape. Well then…but so did a comedian called Sunil. And I’d rather watch Sunil any day rather than bear the torture of sitting through an hour or more of grotesque facial distortions even when accompanied by powerful chants …

And he is rated one of the most desirable men!!!!!!!!!!

These men deserve to be kept at the end of a bowling lane and have their kingpins knocked out by a hurtling ball called a reality check.

I mean, I pity the girl (or guy) who romanticizes this young lad simply based on pictorial sex appeal and pectorial shapes. What do you do for the rest of the 23 and a half hours everyday of your life…is a question I am sure someone will ask a young lady when the man in question does get married. Unless he is too busy escorting the likes of a retired bomb for Paid 3 exposure.

Sorry, that was a bit rude…but my blood is boiling. Some of the names I see on the list actually make me and a lot of women I know barf. How their names were even thought of amazes me.

But in all fairness I must admit that in that list, there is a sign of hope, a breath of fresh air. And that is the entry of my dear friend Harshvardhan Rane…a truly good looking boy…he wears his heart on his sleeve and it is wonderful to look at…he is quiet when required, outdoorsy when he feels like and a craftsman beyond par. Plus he plays decent cricket.

He has delivered some fine performances and if the machinations of the industry see some sense, he may actually hit it quite big.

But he is more of an exception rather than the rule.

I am reminded of a few years back when Angelina Jolie was voted the sexiest woman alive, both by men who lusted after her and the lesbians who thought she was one of their own kind. To my knowledge she is the only woman who has thus been honored.

And then she does what she is reported to have done. And she goes up a mile in my esteem from sky high where I hold her.

Seriously, when will polls begin to take into consideration more parameters than those used by tailors and mannequin makers? When will they realize that sex appeal is not measured, it is felt. And it is not eye candy appreciation that should be translated into sex appeal benchmarks, but values like simplicity, humility, knowledge, gentleness, responsibility, respect, awareness and so on. Of course a well shaped body may help…but by itself, I think all it does is to qualify you as a model for Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum or for a beauty parlor’s waxing technique.

So which Leonardo do you find ‘sexy’…da vinci…or dicaprio?