It was once a favourite subject. And I was quite proud that I had graduated with Honours. But when I saw how it was being manipulated I lost all respect for it and soon I looked at every one of its findings with suspicion.

I am talking about Statistics. And more specifically Research. There are a hundred theories in statistics that compensate for a hundred lapses in research but ever so often something called the Last Mile Credibility lets the whole process down.

I used to have this problem with Consumer Research and Feedback Forums. While the theory and the bigger picture presentations were always logical and rational, there would always be a step in the game where everything would falter. The Manager for instance would be all about honesty, sincerity and integrity. But the man on the field would be a bit of a lazy lout or even just an indifferent interrogator.

So every time we got pulled into customer feedback sessions with Research Agencies presenting both ‘Quali’ and ‘Quanti’ data I would scoff. Who hasn’t heard of the aided recall experiments that were labelled as spontaneous?

For a long time I carried a kind of a guilt because once as an youngster I had been involved in a Research Study for a Milk Producing Body that finally led them to discontinue Whole Milk and switch to Skimmed or something like that. And all the 5000 forms filled had been filled by my friends and me with data stolen from the Telephone Directory and fabricated opinions.

Then I came across teams of Surveyors who could be coaxed to let the results show what was required. It was almost as crazy as the witness for prosecution being the same person who was the witness for the defence.

But one thing always stood out. And that is Questionnaire Design. The Questions were so framed to elicit information at different times in different ways and on several occasions. This made sure there was not only rationale but also an in-built safety mechanism that removed everything from duplication to falsification from the ambit of the study.

But today’s Form that I filled and the Surveyor who came home to get it filled, left me aghast with the entire farce.

Let’s start with a couple of questions about my house that we were sitting in when the questions were asked. What kind of a roof do you have? And I said, quite incredulously…RCC. And the man writes “aarsee” and carried on to the next question.

And then he asks me questions from the section meant to be for orphans. When asked why, he turns around and blames me because I said Late Mr. So and So when asked about my father. And then I hear him wondering if I am getting some benefit from the Government because both my parents had passed away.

Then after writing the letter F in the column for sex of the individual he asks me why I have no sons.

Oh did I mention that I was filling in a form in English while he was questioning me in Telugu from a different form. And when I asked him to explain or look up the meaning of a word marked with an asterisk he told me that it was for decorative purposes only.

This was before telling me and my wife very clearly that he had come home at his expense and would not be averse to any kind of reimbursement.

The last few weeks have seen the rumour mongers scrambling over misinformation about the motive of the study. A study that perhaps for the first time in the history of the world has had the Government declare holidays just so that we could all be at home when the Data Collectors arrived. And I was worried.

Will they take my details and hack into my bank account? Will they brand me as something I am not? Will it affect the many subsidies that the Government is giving to Burger Joints, Sandwich and Salad Centres, Pubs, Bars, Hi-Fashion Stores etc. that my daughters frequented? Will I be considered a traitor just because I like ‘Avakai’…

But what worries me now is what kind of decisions and directions will this government take depending on this mammoth survey?

Because I am a hundred per cent sure that the process is flawed…even if by some chance the objective is not.

Because I am a hundred per cent sure that the findings are going to be as bizarre as the methodology.

After intensive study and careful collation of details it has been found that people who live in Banjara Hills in houses that have more than 6 rooms and a kitchen, are probably Income Tax Payers.

Similarly it can be said that homes where there are only daughters do not have sons. And there are homes even in this day and age where electrical appliances are not used when there is no power.

And tea is not most expensive in five star hotels. Its price when mentioned as reimbursement of chai-paani ka kharcha can run into a few hundreds of rupees.

God Bless Telangana. A State that we fought for?